Kisscafe

Lights down. Lights up. Derek is a cop and he’s sitting at his desk. John is sitting across from him.

Derek: I’m Derek.

John: John.

Derek: No, Derek.

John laughs.

John: It’s nice to meet you, Derek.

Derek: Nice to meet you too. I’m your equipment man. Whatever supplies or weapons you need for this mission I can get for you. Also, I think it’s cool that you’re going on a mission. Nobody goes on missions. Only cool people do. Right now you’re one of the coolest people I’ve ever met. I wish my entire circle of friends went on missions. Especially dressed up in superhero costumes and working as a collective. That’ll never happen because none of us are skilled enough to be superheroes but you are and that makes you my favorite person.

John: I’m not a hero.  

Derek: Yeah, but you were hired to carry out assassinations. You went on missions. You eliminated targets. You- infiltrated compounds. You did everything I love doing in video games. That makes you MY hero. I read your file and it said you killed someone with a sniper rifle. Is that true?

John: Yeah. So?

Derek: So? Snipers are one of the coolest all time archetypes. Everyone wants to be a sniper. I can’t look out my window at another building without picturing myself either running across the rooftop - or finding the best place on it to sniper people from.

John: You think about that every time you see a building?

Derek: Not all the time. Sometimes I picture the building blowing up and collapsing - or I imagine a huge puff of smoke coming from the bottom and the whole building taking off in to space like a rocket.

John: Your imagination sounds like a lot of fun.

Derek: So does your life! You must have amazing stories to tell.

John: Look – There’s no way I can say this without sounding cheesy but I’m not proud of what I’ve done and I don’t want to glorify it.

Derek: That doesn’t sound cheesy. And who cares what someone calls it so long as they get the point?

John: Huh. Good point. That’s smart. 

Derek: Smart enough to - get a story?

John: I don’t think so.

Derek: But it’s so rare I get to talk to anyone with such entertaining true stories. Look – ok here - I know the difference between right and wrong and I don’t think it’s a wonderful thing that you used to be a killer. But - what you did is still fun to picture and I would love to picture it.

John: What do you want me to do? Pull out the crime scene photos of my victims and narrate the story picture by picture?

Derek: If - you - did – that - you would be -my best friend.  

John: Fine. I have a story for you. Hold on to something though. I don’t know how your system is going to react to how amazing this is.

Derek: Oh, this is so awesome. Tell me.

John: Christopher Huxley was one of my targets. He was a big time drug dealer and had a small group of soldiers working for him. When he was in a hotel room, -he had guys posted at the door. If you were asked to meet him - there would be men with submachine guns patting you down as you entered the room and another set of guys standing behind him while you were talking.

Derek: Just like in the movies.

John: Funny you should say that. You’re going to swear this story had a choreographer.

Derek: Oh my god. Tell me tell me tell me.

John: I systematically take out his thugs and end up hunting down his number one bodyguard. He didn’t have a weapon on him at the time but he got the jump on me and we actually ended up wrestling over my gun. 

Derek: No way.

John: Yes way. In the struggle - gun goes flying and we both go after it. He gets to it before I do- and as he’s lifting the gun to shoot me -I pull a knife out of my boot - throw it - and hit him right in the face.

Derek: You – I love you. I wish friendships had marriages I would best friend marry you.

John: He stagers back and falls over. I rush him - get my gun back and shoot him.

Derek: He didn’t die from the knife though his brains?

John: Well, that’s where the story gets a bit anticlimactic. It wasn’t exactly the best throw and I hit him with the handle instead of the blade. It broke his nose and knocked him over. I mean, I still won - but it wasn’t perfect.

Derek: Are you kidding me?

John: Yeah.

Derek: What?

John: Yeah. That story never happened.

Derek: Aw, come on.

John: You thought I wrestled a guy for a gun and threw my knife at him while he was about to shoot me? Does that sound realistic to you?

Derek: But it wasn’t perfect. You hit him with the handle.

John laughs.

John: That’s that part that made it sound realistic? I was sure you would have known I was joking after I said that.

Derek: No way. It sounded reasonable that not everything worked out how you wanted it to. That part totally did it for me. 

John: Wow. I could have told you anything.

Derek: And I would have believed it.

John: What if I told you I fought off a small group of ninja in a children’s playground?

Derek: That looks so awesome in my head. I can picture you kicking them down the slide and swinging across the monkey bars and stuff. Your descriptions make my imagination go crazy. Give me another one.

John: Oh man, I don’t know what to tell you.

Derek: Make something up.

John: Um – I was fighting a Chinese triad member and I dropped down into the splits and punched him in the balls just as someone hit a gong.

Derek: Awesome. That’s wicked. Give me one more. 

John: Oh, come on.

Derek: Please? Just one more. 

John: Uh - A guy threw a grenade at me and I picked up a baseball bat and hit it right back into his face.

They laugh.

Derek: I would have bought all that. All of it. I would have believed it just cause it’s more fun to believe it.

John: Because it’s more fun to believe it. Why don’t people just tell me that when I ask them why they believe in God? That would make perfect sense. Cause I feel like it. Just say that. Cause that’s how it is. That answer is way too confident for most people I know who say they believe in God.

Derek: I’ll say this about God. We were having a lot of fun with this conversation until God showed up. Now the mood’s a lot more - gloomy.

John: Yeah. That’s what happened to the world.

Derek: Sorry, I have you marked down on this form as Optimist? Should I erase that and put pessimist?

John: No. Just erase it.

Derek: Ooooo. Cryptic assassin. Not an optimist or a pessimist. So skilled in the art of  camouflage he can hide his thoughts and feelings. (in an older man’s voice) “Derek, why isn’t anything marked down under Optomist and Pessimist on John’s form?” (regular voice) Well, boss, it’s because his emotions are invisible. He wrote something, we’ll just never know what it is.

John laughs.

John: So, you’re going to get me my supplies?

Derek: If you know about it- it’s not much of a supplies (surprise) now is it?

Pause

John: That was the dumbest joke I have ever heard.

Derek: It’s more important to make a joke than it is to tell a good one. I saw an opportunity and I took it.

John: Fine. I’ll play along and act like I had no idea at the supplies party. 

Derek: Aw, see? There you go. That joke sucked shit but you still made it. Good for you.

John: Thanks.

Derek: I can get you whatever you want - no questions asked.

John: Ok. I need a white t-shirt, a pair of blue jeans and a brown leather jacket.

Derek: Why?

John: I want to make a scarecrow that looks like Bruce Willis.

Derek: What?

John: To wear. What did you think I wanted clothes for?

Derek: Wait a sec - is this for a disguise?

John: Yeah. Good instincts. That set of clothes is actually going to be part of a disguise. 

Derek: No way. I’ve never done anything in disguise.

John: I love disguises.

Derek: I love disguises too. I probably love them more than you do. I bet I wear more disguises than you do too. But you wear them outside on missions and I just wear them in my house for fun.

John: Uh – white t-shirt -

Derek: Blue jeans and a brown leather jacket. That’s exactly Bruce Willis. I can picture him so easily in my head wearing that. I would love to see him in a cornfield as a scarecrow with two pistols protecting the corn from gun-fighting crows.

John: Especially if it’s in Mel Gibson’s cornfield. 

Derek: Oh, well, that’s just an amazing premise.

John: It can’t be Mel Gibson from Signs, though. It has to be something like –

Derek: Mad Max?

John: Yeah, that’s pretty good. I wouldn’t mind seeing him fist fight Tina Turner for some corn on the cob.

Derek: And just before he breaks her neck someone whispers: “If you built it they will come”

John: Kevin Costner’s in there now? How many superstars can we work into a cornfield?

Derek: Well, Kevin Costner from Field Of Dreams is a way to work in James Earl Jones.

John: Darth Vader versus Bruce Willis the scarecrow and Mad Max.

Derek: And for fun throw in the predator, the alien, Batman, uh – a bear –

John: Why are we talking about this?

Derek: Cause it’s awesome.

John: I need a white t-shirt, blue jeans and a brown leather jacket. 

Derek: I know. You said that already. Do you need anything else?

John: Yes. I need some small frame circular John Lennon glasses, a black suit with a white shirt and a red tie.

Derek: That’s an interesting scarecrow. Who is that, Steve Buscemi?

John: Shut. Up.

Derek: Anything else?

John: Did you get all that?

Derek: Yeah. You want me to rob Bruce Willis and Steve Buscemi and give you their clothes.

John: Exactly.

Derek: No problem at all.

A pause in which Derek writes something on a piece of paper.

John: I don’t see you having a problem with Steve Buscemi but how are you going to take down Bruce Willis?

Derek: With Samuel L Jackson.

John: Don’t bring him in to this. I don’t need an afro and a gun. Wait, I do need a gun. But you can’t get it for me.

Derek: I can get anything for you.

John: Get me a unicorn.

Derek: You think that’s funny? If I brought a unicorn in here he would rampage all over this office and horn us both in the face. You think because unicorns are white they’re good natured?

John: That’s why I want you to get me one. So I can murder it.

Derek: Nice.

Pause.

John: Ok, this is funny. But again, why are we talking about this? 

Derek: Hrm?

John: Why are we talking about this?

Derek: What?

John: John Lennon glasses –

Derek: - Black suit, white shirt, red tie and a briefcase.

John: Exactly.

Derek: And where can I get that gun?

John: You can’t. That gun has its own mythology. It’s a criminal legend.  Out of your reach. Actually, one of my disguises will be used to get it.

Derek: Which one? Not the Bruce Willis.

John: It is the Bruce Willis.

Derek: That makes so much sense. You put on the Bruce Willis for action missions and you wear the Steve Buscemi for everything else. 

John: This is hilarious. I’m going to be using the Buscemi for an interrogation. Not an interrogation – but – for – I don’t know what to call it.

Derek: You need to get inside someone’s head?

John: Yeah. That’s exactly what I need to do.

Derek: And get some information.

John: Yeah. There you go.

Derek: Then the Buscemi is the suit for you. I’ll give them both to you for free if you tell me the story of that gun.

John: Sure. When I was contracted to assassinate my first target, the man who hired me had a custom made pistol built specifically for the hit. It was fired once, by me, and given back to my employer who bronzed it and fastened it to a plaque. It was made for one shot and after it succeeded the gun was retired.

Derek: That’s a cool story.

John: I’ve got lots of cool stories.

Derek: Do you need anything else?

John: Yeah. Get me a cornfield. I want to hold a tournament.

Derek: That’s wicked.

John: Can I ask you something?

Derek: Nope.

Derek tears the page he wrote on from his notebook.

Derek: I have to get going. I’ll get your things for you and you’ll have them in an hour from now.

Derek stands. John laughs.

John: See you later.

Derek: Quickly, what do you want to ask me? If I can answer it in the time it takes me to get my coat on I will.

John: Doesn’t it bother you that –

Derek: I didn’t bring a coat to work today. See you later.

Exit Derek.

John: Wow. You really shouldn’t have left me alone in your office.

Lights down.

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